Depression is different for every person. Some of us are depressed and have always been this way. There is no explanation of “why”. Here is a blog post that may explain it.
For others depression is or was caused by certain events in their lives that voided each and every reason to get up out of bed and keep on living.
Then again there are others who say they are depressed and the main reason they are depressed or tell their friends that they are depressed is because they didn’t get want they wanted or they are just in need and search of attention. Just my observation but I noticed people who struggle with severe depression don’t start a conversation with “I’m so depressed”. I even want to go as far as saying that many people don’t really understand what depressions is, that feeling of utter void.
During my behavioral therapy I realized that I used to obsess about managing my life with schedules, lists, calendars etc. During college every minute of my life was scheduled. Between going to school full time, working full time and running long-distance there was no time to just sit around idle. I even had a reading log. I would average a book every 2 weeks and as soon as I noticed that I was still reading the same book after three weeks I would obsess over it, stressing to finish. After I finished college, my boyfriend at the time and I moved in together and I started working. I still had my scheduled work life but I stop managing, planning, scheduling my personal life. Happily I lived my idle life alongside the even more idle life of my boyfriend.
Get up – go to work – go home – sit in front of the tele – go to bed. – Repeat
The Latin phrase “Cotidiana viles” did not apply but the SCARF Model and the Neuroscience did. Then the boyfriend and I split up. I became even more depended on my Dad for intellectual and philosophical input. We would talk for hours then he passed away. Then I put all my energy into my job then the company closed. The job, the company, the boss, the co-workers had first replaced the boyfriend then my Dad, it ended up being my whole life. The company closed everybody went their separate ways and I just stood there. Again, the SCARF Model and the Emerging Neuroscience held true. I just didn’t know about all of this back then maybe I would have done things differently. I didn’t even know that I was tumbling down the rabbit hole at an accelerating rate.
These days I life my live without the former boyfriend but a new boyfriend on the side, (meaning we don’t live together) without tele and with many lists and schedules. I’m not as obsessed about it as I used to be. Although I’m juggling three jobs and maybe should obsess about it a little more however my work schedule is different every week. I never know how much work I’ll have the following week sometimes I don’t even know if I have any work the next day. The only thing I know is, when I wake up in the morning and my bra and panties are matching I’m going to have a good day.
Other then that I need to be ready for anything and everything. There is no procrastinating.
I must say, it feels great getting things done, out of the way and checked of the list. Having a nicely structured day, with everything going as planned, makes for a happy ending. What feels even better to get everything out of the way is driving home from work, realizing your gas-tank is almost empty so you stop by the gas station and fill it up. The next morning you get up, your windows are full of ice and you think “wow I’m glad I filled the tank up last night, this could get me behind schedule if I still would have to get gas”. Then you drive past the gas station and you notice gas went up 10cents over night and you think “WOW I’m one lucky girl”